You think you know your partner inside out. You’ve shared meals, arguments, lazy Sundays, and maybe even a bathroom. But here’s something worth considering: knowing someone’s coffee order doesn’t mean you know what keeps them up at night.
Relationships have layers. Some couples coast on surface-level connections for years, never really checking in on what’s happening beneath. They assume everything’s fine because nothing’s actively broken. But the strongest partnerships? They’re built on ongoing curiosity.
These questions aren’t about testing your relationship or finding problems where none exist. They’re about deepening your understanding, spotting blind spots, and making sure you’re actually seeing the person you’re with—not just the version of them you’ve gotten comfortable with.
Questions to Ask Yourself about Your Partner
What follows are twenty prompts designed to help you reflect honestly on your relationship. Some will feel easy to answer, while others might surprise you with how much thought they require.
1. Do I actually like how they spend their free time?
This isn’t about whether you share hobbies. It’s about respect. Does the way your partner unwinds make you roll your eyes, or do you genuinely appreciate their interests even if they’re not yours? Maybe they collect vinyl records and you couldn’t care less about music formats, but you love that they have something they’re passionate about.
Pay attention to your internal reaction when they talk about their latest project or hobby. Are you tuning out? Getting irritated? Or are you genuinely curious, even if you don’t participate? Your answer reveals how much space you’re willing to give them to be themselves.
2. What would they say is my most annoying habit?
You know what bugs you about them. But flip it around. What drives them quietly crazy about you? The way you leave cabinet doors open? How you interrupt their stories? Your inability to load the dishwasher properly?
Here’s what matters: can you name it without asking them? If you can, it means you’re paying attention to their experience of living with you. If you’re drawing a blank, you might be so focused on your own perspective that you’re missing important feedback they’ve likely given you multiple times.
3. When they’re stressed, what do they actually need from me?
Some people need solutions. Others need space. Some want a hug and someone to listen without trying to fix anything. Your partner’s stress response might be completely different from yours, and what comforts you might make them feel worse.
Think back to the last time they were genuinely overwhelmed. What did you do? Did it help, or did they seem to withdraw further? Understanding their specific comfort language—not just assuming they want what you’d want—shows real emotional intelligence. Research from the Gottman Institute shows that responding effectively to a partner’s stress is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction.
4. Am I attracted to who they’re becoming, or who they used to be?
People change. That’s not good or bad, it’s just reality. Your partner at 25 isn’t the same person at 35. They’ve had experiences, developed new interests, maybe shifted priorities. The question is whether you’re attracted to their current trajectory.
Are you constantly referencing “the old days” when they were different? Do you feel like you’re waiting for them to return to some previous version of themselves? Or are you genuinely excited about who they’re growing into, even if it’s different from what you expected? This matters because you can’t build a future with someone’s past.
5. Can I name three things that made them happy this week?
This seems simple, but try it. Three specific things. Not vague categories like “work went well” but actual moments. Did they light up when their friend called? Get excited about a new recipe? Feel proud after finishing a difficult task?
If you’re struggling to recall these moments, it might mean you’re not fully present in your daily life together. Happiness often lives in small details, and noticing them shows you’re paying attention to their emotional weather, not just the major storms and sunny days.
6. Do I trust them with my fears, or just my complaints?
There’s a difference between venting about your annoying coworker and revealing your deeper anxieties. Do you share the stuff that makes you feel vulnerable? The worry that you’re not good enough at your job? The fear that you’re becoming like your parents in ways you swore you wouldn’t?
Many couples share plenty but never really go deep. They swap stories about their days but never touch the tender places. If you’re only sharing surface-level frustrations, you’re keeping them at arm’s length from your actual inner life. That distance compounds over time.
7. What do they do better than anyone else I know?
Everyone has something they excel at, even if it’s unconventional. Maybe they’re incredible at making strangers feel comfortable. Perhaps they have an uncanny ability to fix broken things. They might be the best listener you’ve ever encountered, or have a gift for knowing exactly what to say when someone’s hurting.
Identifying this specific strength does two things: it reminds you why you chose this person, and it shows you what you value. If you can’t easily answer this question, you’re probably not leveraging their gifts or appreciating them enough. Your partner shouldn’t have to be good at everything, but they should be exceptional at something you genuinely value.
8. Am I staying because I want to, or because leaving feels too hard?
This one stings. But it’s necessary. Some relationships continue on momentum long after the actual connection has faded. You’ve built a life together—shared friends, maybe pets, definitely Netflix passwords. The idea of untangling all that feels overwhelming.
Be brutally honest here. If you imagine your life five years from now with this person, does it feel like a choice you’re excited about, or an inevitability you’re resigned to? There’s nothing wrong with relationships requiring effort, but that effort should be invested in building something, not just avoiding the discomfort of change.
9. How do they handle being wrong?
This reveals character in ways that smooth sailing never will. When they make a mistake—forget something important, hurt your feelings unintentionally, or get called out for being incorrect—what happens next? Do they deflect? Get defensive? Apologize but then justify?
Or can they sit with discomfort, acknowledge their part, and actually change behavior? Watch what happens after arguments. Do old patterns resurface, or does genuine growth occur? Someone who can’t handle being wrong will erode your relationship slowly, because you’ll eventually stop bringing up issues to avoid the defensive reaction.
10. What’s one thing I wish they understood about me without me having to explain it?
Maybe you wish they’d notice when you’re drained and need quiet. Perhaps you want them to understand why certain comments from your family hit differently. Or you’re tired of explaining why your work matters to you.
This question illuminates your expectations. Here’s the catch: they probably wish the same about you. Nobody’s a mind reader. But if you’ve explained something repeatedly and they still don’t get it, that’s different from expecting them to magically intuit your needs. One is a communication issue. The other might be a compatibility problem.
11. Do our fights make us stronger, or just more careful?
Conflict resolution isn’t about avoiding disagreements. It’s about whether those disagreements lead somewhere productive. After you argue, do you understand each other better? Do you problem-solve and find new ways forward?
Or do you just learn what topics to avoid, what words trigger them, how to de-escalate without actually resolving anything? Walking on eggshells isn’t the same as growing together. Healthy couples fight better over time, not less. They develop tools to work through differences instead of just stuffing them down.
12. When was the last time they genuinely surprised me?
Not with a gift or a plan, though those count. But when did they last reveal something about themselves you didn’t know? Share an opinion that caught you off guard? Make a decision that showed you a different side of them?
Relationships can become so predictable that partners stop being curious about each other. You assume you know how they’ll react to everything. But people contain multitudes. If it’s been years since you’ve been surprised by your partner, you might have stopped looking closely enough to see them clearly. Surprise keeps relationships alive.
13. What’s my honest answer to “What does my partner need that I’m not giving them?”
Step outside your own perspective here. Based on what they’ve said, how they’ve acted, what they’ve requested—what are they lacking from you? Maybe it’s more quality time. Perhaps it’s verbal affirmation. Could be they need you to be more present during conversations instead of scrolling your phone.
This requires setting your defensiveness aside. You’re not a bad partner if you’re not meeting every need perfectly. But you should at least be aware of the gaps. Ignorance here isn’t bliss; it’s negligence. Studies show that perceiving and responding to a partner’s needs is one of the top predictors of relationship longevity.
14. If we broke up tomorrow, what would I miss most? What would I not miss at all?
The first part is obvious. You’d miss the good stuff—their laugh, the way they make you feel safe, your shared rituals. But the second part? That’s where honesty lives. What would secretly feel like relief?
Maybe you wouldn’t miss how they dominate conversations with friends. Or their insistence on having the TV on constantly. Perhaps you’d breathe easier without the pressure to attend every family function. These aren’t necessarily deal-breakers, but they’re data points. If your “wouldn’t miss” list is longer or more intense than your “would miss” list, pay attention to that.
15. Am I proud to introduce them to new people?
This isn’t about whether they’re impressive by conventional standards. It’s about whether you genuinely want others to know them. Do you light up when introducing your partner, eager for your worlds to connect? Or do you feel a slight dread, wondering how they’ll come across?
Think about the last time you had to introduce them in a professional or social setting. Were you excited? Neutral? Anxious? Your gut reaction reveals how you actually see them, not how you think you should feel. If you’re worried about how they’ll represent you, that’s worth examining.
16. What’s one way we’ve grown apart that I haven’t acknowledged?
Relationships evolve. Sometimes you grow together, matching each other’s pace. Other times, you drift slightly. Maybe you used to have the same friend group, but now your social circles barely overlap. Perhaps you once shared political views that have since diverged. Or your ideas about family planning have shifted in opposite directions.
Acknowledging drift doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. It means you’re seeing reality clearly. Once you name it, you can decide whether to bridge that gap intentionally or whether the distance has become too fundamental. Ignoring it just lets the gap widen while you pretend everything’s fine.
17. Do I make them feel seen?
Here’s a test: can you articulate something they care about that has nothing to do with you? A goal they’re working toward? A friend they’re worried about? A creative project they’re excited about? Not the stuff that affects your shared life, but the things that matter to them as an individual.
Being seen isn’t about grand gestures. It’s about the daily evidence that you’re paying attention to their interior life. It’s asking follow-up questions about something they mentioned last week. Remembering what they’re anxious about. Noticing when they’re quieter than usual. If you can’t remember the last time you demonstrated this kind of attentiveness, they probably feel invisible in ways you don’t realize.
18. What’s one thing they’ve asked me to change that I’ve refused to even consider?
Maybe they’ve asked you to put your phone away during dinner. Or to share more about your feelings. Perhaps they want you to be more spontaneous, less critical of their family, or more involved in household management. You’ve heard the request, but you’ve mentally filed it under “unreasonable” or “that’s just how I am.”
Look at that refusal honestly. Is it a core part of your identity that you shouldn’t have to change? Or is it stubbornness dressed up as authenticity? There’s a difference between healthy boundaries and refusing to grow. Sometimes the things we’re most resistant to changing are exactly what’s limiting our capacity for connection.
19. If I described my partner to a stranger, would they recognize the person I actually live with?
When you talk about your partner—to friends, family, even to yourself—what version do you present? Is it the idealized version from early in your relationship? The version you wish they’d become? Or the person they actually are right now, complexities and all?
Sometimes we’re so invested in a particular narrative about our relationship that we edit out the parts that don’t fit. We might emphasize their ambition while downplaying the fact that they haven’t followed through on anything in two years. Or we talk about their kindness but skip over the ways they’re passive-aggressive when upset. Recognizing the gap between your story and your reality is the first step toward either accepting them fully or acknowledging that you’re in love with potential rather than person.
20. What would need to change for me to feel completely at peace in this relationship?
Not perfect. Not without challenges. But at peace. What’s the thing—or maybe things—that keeps you from relaxing fully into this partnership? Is it something they need to change? Something you need to shift? A circumstance that needs to evolve?
Be specific here. “Better communication” is too vague. What would better communication actually look like? Daily check-ins? Them asking about your day without being prompted? You need concrete details because abstract wishes can’t be addressed. If you can’t identify what needs to change, or if what needs to change is fundamental to who they are, that’s important information too.
Wrapping Up
These questions aren’t meant to be answered once and filed away. Your relationship is alive, which means it’s constantly shifting. The answers you’d give today might be different from the ones you’d offer six months from now, and that’s exactly as it should be.
What matters is that you’re asking the questions at all. You’re choosing to look closely at your partnership instead of operating on autopilot. That willingness to examine, adjust, and stay curious is what separates relationships that thrive from ones that just survive. Your partner deserves that level of attention, and so do you.