Nobody really wants to think about funerals until they have to. Then suddenly, you’re sitting there with a dozen decisions staring you down, and your brain feels foggy. Maybe you’re planning for yourself, or maybe you’re doing this for someone you love who’s no longer here to tell you what they’d want.
Either way, there’s a lot to consider. Some choices are big and obvious. Others sneak up on you at 2 a.m. when you realize you have no idea if your dad would’ve wanted a viewing or if your aunt had a favorite hymn.
This guide walks you through the major decisions and a few smaller ones that actually matter more than you’d think. Let’s make this process a little less overwhelming.
Things to Think about for a Funeral
Here are the key considerations that will help you create a meaningful service while managing the practical details. Some will apply directly to your situation, others might not, but having them all in one place gives you a clearer picture of what lies ahead.
1. Burial or Cremation
This is usually the first fork in the road. Your decision here affects almost everything else, from costs to timeline to ceremony options. Burial typically runs between $7,000 and $12,000 when you factor in the casket, plot, vault, and headstone. Cremation usually costs $1,000 to $3,000 without a service, though adding a memorial can push that higher.
Beyond money, think about what feels right emotionally and spiritually. Some families have strong religious or cultural preferences. Others care more about environmental impact (green burials and biodegradable urns are gaining traction). And some people just want their ashes scattered somewhere meaningful, which opens up entirely different possibilities.
2. The Service Location
Your venue choice shapes the entire experience. Traditional options include funeral homes, churches, and chapels, but don’t stop there if something else fits better. I’ve seen beautiful services held in community centers, private homes, gardens, beaches, and even art galleries. Each space creates a different atmosphere.
Practical factors matter too. How many people will attend? Is the location accessible for elderly guests or those with mobility challenges? Will you need audio equipment? Is there parking? Can you control the temperature? These mundane details become important when 100 people show up on a hot July afternoon.
3. Religious or Secular Ceremony
This shapes everything from the readings to the music to who officiates. If your family follows a particular faith, you’ll likely want clergy involved and traditional prayers or rituals included. Make sure you understand any requirements, like specific timing or cemetery restrictions.
But if religion doesn’t play a big role in your life, you have total freedom to create something personal. Secular services can be just as meaningful, focusing on the person’s life, values, and relationships. You might hire a celebrant who specializes in non-religious ceremonies, or ask a close friend to lead the service.
4. Budget Reality Check
Funerals cost more than most people expect. The average runs about $7,000 to $9,000, but you can easily spend $15,000 or more with all the add-ons. Start by figuring out what’s available. Does the deceased have life insurance or a pre-paid funeral plan? Are there veterans’ benefits or other assistance programs?
Once you know your budget, prioritize ruthlessly. You don’t need the most expensive casket or the fanciest flowers. Most people at the service won’t remember those details anyway. They’ll remember the eulogy, the music, and how the event honored the person’s life. Spend your money there.
5. Who Will Officiate
The right officiant can make or break your service. If you’re working with clergy from your church or temple, you probably already have that relationship. They know your family and can personalize the service accordingly. Just schedule a meeting to discuss your loved one’s life and what you want emphasized.
For non-religious services, finding the right person takes more effort. Professional celebrants exist specifically for this work, and good ones are worth their fee. Or you might choose someone personally connected to the deceased, a friend or family member who can speak authentically. Either way, meet with them beforehand and share stories, photos, and your vision for the service.
6. Open or Closed Casket
If you’re having a viewing or visitation, you’ll need to decide whether the casket stays open. This is deeply personal. Some families find comfort in seeing their loved one one last time. Others prefer to remember them as they were when alive and healthy.
Consider your loved one’s wishes if they expressed any. Think about their condition and whether viewing would be distressing for guests (funeral homes can work wonders with preparation, but there are limits). Children at the service might also factor into your decision. There’s no right answer, just what feels appropriate for your family.
7. Music Selection
Music hits people in the gut in ways that words don’t. Your choices here can transform the emotional tone of the service. Maybe your mom loved “Ave Maria” and hearing it will wreck everyone in the best possible way. Maybe your brother was obsessed with Bruce Springsteen, and you want “Thunder Road” playing as people arrive.
Plan for three to five songs at key moments: as guests gather, during the service itself, and as people leave. You can use recorded music or hire live musicians (a soloist, pianist, or small ensemble). Check with your venue about their audio capabilities. And please, test the sound system beforehand. Nobody wants to fiddle with volume knobs during an emotional moment.
8. Readings and Poems
Words of comfort, whether religious or secular, give structure to the service and help people process their grief. Traditional options include Bible passages (Psalm 23, Ecclesiastes 3, John 14), but you can also use poetry, literature, or even song lyrics that resonated with your loved one.
Pick two to four readings and assign them to different people. This involves more family members and gives others a role if they want to participate but can’t handle delivering a full eulogy. Choose readers who can hold it together emotionally, or have backups ready. Sometimes people think they can do it and then can’t when the moment arrives, which is completely understandable.
9. The Eulogy Situation
Someone needs to tell this person’s story. The eulogy is often the most memorable part of the service, and it deserves real thought. Maybe one person speaks for ten minutes, or maybe three people share shorter reflections. Both approaches work.
Choose speakers who knew different aspects of the deceased’s life: a family member, a close friend, maybe a colleague. Give them time to prepare (at least a week, ideally more). Good eulogies include specific stories and details, not just generic praise. They acknowledge the person’s flaws and quirks, making them feel real. And they should run about five to seven minutes each. Any longer and you lose people’s attention.
10. Flowers vs. Donations
Flowers are traditional, beautiful, and expensive. They also die in a few days. Many families now suggest that instead of flowers, guests contribute to a charity that mattered to the deceased. This creates a lasting impact and often feels more meaningful.
If you go the donation route, pick one or two specific organizations and include that information in the obituary and funeral program. Set up an online memorial page if possible, making it easy for people to contribute. You can still have some flowers at the service (family arrangements, for instance), just not the overwhelming quantity that traditional funerals feature.
11. The Obituary
This is how most people will learn about the death and the service details, so it needs to be both informative and well-written. Include the basic facts: full name, age, date and place of death, survivors, and service information. But also capture something essential about who this person was. What did they love? What made them laugh? What will people miss most?
Keep it concise (newspapers charge by the line) but not so brief that it feels generic. Run it by several family members before submitting it. You’d be surprised how often someone catches an error or remembers an important detail. And don’t forget to include it in the funeral program and any online memorial pages.
12. Digital and Social Media
Your loved one probably had an online presence: social media accounts, email, maybe a blog or website. Someone needs to handle these. Facebook allows you to memorialize an account, preserving it but preventing new posts. Other platforms have similar policies.
You might also create a memorial website where people can share memories, photos, and condolences. Sites like Kudoboard or Ever Loved make this easy. Many funeral homes now offer this service too. It’s particularly valuable for people who can’t attend the service but want to participate somehow.
13. Reception or Gathering After
Most services include some kind of gathering afterward, whether that’s a formal reception, a casual meal, or just coffee and cookies. This gives people time to connect, share stories, and support each other. The mood shifts from formal mourning to something more conversational and even occasionally lighter.
You can hold this at the funeral home, your house, a restaurant, or a community space. Keep the food simple unless you genuinely want to cook or can afford catering. Sandwich platters, salads, and desserts work fine. People appreciate having something to do with their hands during these awkward social moments.
14. What to Wear
You’ll need to communicate this to guests, and you might have opinions about it. Traditional funerals call for dark, conservative clothing, but that’s changing. Some families now request bright colors to celebrate life rather than mourn death. Others ask guests to wear the deceased’s favorite color or sports team jersey.
Whatever you choose, make it clear in the obituary and on any invitations. People genuinely want guidance here. They’d rather know upfront than show up feeling inappropriately dressed. For the family, comfort matters as much as appearance. You’ll be standing and greeting people for hours.
15. The Casket or Urn
If you’re having a traditional burial, you’ll need a casket. Funeral homes will show you options ranging from a few hundred dollars (simple wood) to $10,000 or more (mahogany with gold hardware). You don’t need the expensive one. Seriously. Nobody judges the casket choice, and if they do, their opinion doesn’t matter.
For cremation, you can skip the casket entirely or use an inexpensive rental for any viewing. Urns range from basic containers to elaborate art pieces. Choose something that reflects your loved one’s style and that you’ll want to look at if you’re keeping it, or that feels right if you’re scattering or burying the ashes.
16. Personal Touches and Memorabilia
This is where you make the service uniquely theirs. Set up a memory table with photos spanning their life, from baby pictures to recent snapshots. Include meaningful objects: their favorite book, a baseball glove, travel souvenirs, and artwork they created. These physical reminders help tell their story.
You might create a video montage to play during the gathering, or prepare small keepsakes for guests (bookmarks with their photo, packets of their favorite flower seeds, recipes they loved). Some families set out a memory book where people can write messages. Others create a playlist of the deceased’s favorite songs to play during the reception. Think about what would make them smile.
17. Children’s Attendance and Involvement
Whether kids should attend funerals depends on their age, maturity, and relationship to the deceased. Generally, children old enough to understand death (around age 5 or 6) can benefit from attending, but they shouldn’t be forced. Prepare them beforehand, explaining what will happen and what they might see and hear.
Give children roles if they want them: passing out programs, selecting a photo for display, or reading a short poem. Having a job helps them feel less anxious. Designate an adult who can take them out if they get restless or upset. And don’t worry if they don’t cry or seem inappropriately cheerful. Kids process grief differently from adults.
18. Military or Professional Honors
If the deceased served in the military, they’re entitled to certain honors: a flag presentation, taps played by a bugler, and potentially a rifle salute. Contact the funeral home or veterans affairs office to arrange this. You’ll need discharge papers (DD214). These tributes add a meaningful ceremony and recognize their service.
Professional organizations sometimes offer memorial services too. Firefighters, police officers, teachers’ unions, and fraternal organizations like the Masons often have rituals they perform for members. If your loved one was deeply involved in such a group, reach out to them about participation.
19. Timeline and Logistics
Funerals typically happen within three to seven days of death, though this varies by religion and circumstance. You’ll need to coordinate multiple moving parts: booking the venue, arranging transportation (hearse, possibly limousines), confirming the burial plot or cremation appointment, and printing programs.
Create a timeline working backward from the service. Programs need at least two days for printing. Flowers should be ordered three to four days out. The obituary runs a few days before. Write all of this down. Your brain isn’t working at full capacity right now, and you’ll forget things. Assign tasks to willing family members so you’re not managing everything alone.
20. How You’ll Remember Them Going Forward
The funeral marks a moment, but grief continues long after. Think about how you want to honor this person’s memory in everyday life. Maybe you’ll plant a tree, establish a scholarship, volunteer for a cause they cared about, or simply continue family traditions they started.
Some families choose annual remembrance rituals: gathering on the anniversary, visiting the grave on their birthday, or making their signature dish at holiday meals. Others prefer spontaneous moments of connection: telling their stories, looking at photos, or doing activities they loved. There’s no prescribed way to keep someone’s memory alive. You’ll find what works through trial and error, and it will probably evolve.
Wrapping Up
Planning a funeral asks a lot of you at a moment when you have little to give. Take it one decision at a time. Let others help. And know that perfect doesn’t exist here, only personal and meaningful. Your loved one would understand that you’re doing your best during an impossible time.
These 20 considerations give you a framework, but your situation is unique. Trust your instincts about what feels right, and don’t let anyone pressure you into choices that don’t align with your values or budget. The service is for the living, a chance to grieve together and celebrate a life that mattered.