Your wedding day is racing closer. The dress is fitted, the venue is booked, and the playlist is finalized. But there’s one thing that keeps nudging at the back of your mind: those vows you promised yourself you’d write weeks ago.
Writing vows can feel like trying to bottle lightning. How do you capture everything you feel about this person in a few short minutes? How do you balance being heartfelt without being cheesy, funny without being flippant, and meaningful without putting everyone to sleep?
Here’s the thing—your vows don’t need to be perfect. They need to be yours. Let’s talk about what actually matters when you’re putting pen to paper.
Things to Think about When Writing Vows
Before you start writing, it helps to think through some key elements that will make your vows resonate. These considerations will guide you toward vows that feel authentic and memorable.
1. Start with a Memory, Not a Statement
Don’t open with “I promise to love you forever.” Everyone expects that. Instead, start with the moment you knew. Maybe it was watching them ugly-cry at a dog rescue commercial. Perhaps it was the way they held your hand during that turbulent flight. Ground your vows in something specific and real. Your guests will lean in. Your partner will remember. The abstract stuff can come later, but hook them first with something they can see and feel. That moment is your anchor point, the foundation everything else builds on.
2. Know Your Audience (But Write for Your Partner)
Yes, your parents are watching. Your boss might be there. But you’re not speaking to them. Picture yourself saying these words directly to your partner, like you’re alone in your kitchen on a Tuesday night. That said, keep it appropriate—no inside jokes about that embarrassing thing that happened in Vegas. Strike a balance between intimate and inclusive. Your vows should feel like a conversation between you two that others are privileged to witness, not a private diary entry read aloud.
3. Decide on Length Before You Start
Are we talking 90 seconds or five minutes? This matters because it shapes everything. A minute-long vow might be three tight paragraphs. A five-minute vow has room for stories, pauses, and deeper exploration. Talk to your partner about this. If one of you shows up with a novella and the other has a haiku, it’ll feel lopsided. Aim for similar lengths, even if your styles differ. Most officiants recommend two to three minutes each—long enough to say something meaningful, short enough that people stay engaged.
4. Pick Three Core Promises
You could promise a thousand things. Don’t. Choose three specific commitments that matter to your relationship. Maybe it’s “I promise to always taste your cooking experiments, even the questionable ones.” Or “I promise to support your dreams, even the ones that scare you.” These promises should reflect actual challenges or quirks in your relationship. Generic promises sound nice but fade fast. Specific ones stick. They show you’ve thought about what this particular relationship needs to thrive.
5. Include at Least One Laugh
Your vows don’t need to be a stand-up routine, but they shouldn’t feel like a eulogy either. Find one moment for levity—a gentle callback to your partner’s coffee addiction, that time they got hopelessly lost with GPS, or their tendency to collect random facts about penguins. Laughter releases tension. It reminds everyone (including you) that marriage is supposed to be joyful. Just make sure the humor is affectionate, not pointed. You’re celebrating them, not roasting them.
6. Write Multiple Drafts
Your first attempt will probably be too long, too vague, or too much like a Hallmark card. That’s fine. Write it anyway. Then put it aside for a day or two. Come back and read it out loud. You’ll immediately hear what sounds forced or flat. Most people need three to five drafts before landing on something that feels right. Each revision sharpens your message and strips away the fluff. This isn’t a waste of time—it’s how you find your authentic voice.
7. Think About What You’re Asking For
Vows aren’t just about what you promise to give. They’re also about acknowledging what you need. “I promise to be patient with you, and I ask for your patience when I’m stubborn” shows self-awareness and reciprocity. This vulnerability strengthens vows because it admits that marriage is a two-way street. You’re not a perfect partner marrying another perfect person. You’re two flawed humans choosing each other anyway. Let that honesty show.
8. Address a Specific Fear or Doubt You’ve Overcome
Maybe you were afraid of commitment before meeting them. Perhaps you doubted you’d find someone who understood your weird sense of humor. Naming a specific fear you’ve conquered because of this relationship adds weight to your vows. It shows growth. “I used to think I’d always feel like an outsider, but with you, I found home” means more than “You make me happy.” One is generic. The other is a transformation.
9. Use Sensory Details Sparingly but Powerfully
Don’t just say “I love your smile.” Say “I love how your eyes disappear when you really smile, the one that takes over your whole face.” Specific sensory details make your vows vivid. But use them strategically. One or two well-placed details create impact. Ten details create clutter. Think about what you’d notice if you were describing your partner to a sketch artist. What distinguishes them from everyone else?
10. Reference Your Relationship’s Origin Story
How did you meet? Was it a dating app, a mutual friend’s party, or a collision at a coffee shop? Briefly acknowledging your beginning creates a narrative arc. “From that first message where you quoted my favorite movie to standing here today” gives your vows a sense of journey. You don’t need to recount the entire relationship, just nod to where it started. That contrast between then and now makes the present moment more powerful.
11. Practice Out Loud Multiple Times
Reading vows silently and speaking them aloud are completely different experiences. Practice in front of a mirror. Practice in your car. Practice until certain phrases feel smooth in your mouth. You’ll discover which sentences are too long to say in one breath. You’ll find words that trip your tongue. Fix those issues now. On your wedding day, you’ll be nervous enough without wrestling with clunky phrasing.
12. Acknowledge the Challenges You’ll Face
Perfect vows don’t pretend marriage is easy. They acknowledge reality. “I know we’ll argue about whose turn it is to do dishes and how to load the dishwasher” is honest. “I promise to love you through disagreements, bad moods, and times when we’re both wrong” shows maturity. You’re not promising a fairy tale. You’re promising to stay and work through real life together. That’s more romantic than any fantasy.
13. Consider Your Partner’s Love Language
If your partner values acts of service, promise specific actions. If they need words of affirmation, give them. If they thrive on quality time, commit to that. Understanding how your partner receives love helps you craft vows that’ll actually resonate with them. You’re not writing these vows for yourself. You’re writing them as a gift to your partner. Make it a gift they’ll treasure.
14. Skip the Thesaurus
Big words don’t make vows better. They make them stiff. Use language you’d actually use in conversation. If you’d never say “enamored” or “plethora” in real life, don’t wedge them into your vows. Authenticity beats vocabulary. Your partner fell for the way you normally talk. Stick with that voice. Simple language can carry profound meaning. “You’re my person” hits harder than “You’re my quintessential companion.”
15. Mention What They’ve Taught You
Your partner has changed you somehow. Maybe they taught you to slow down and appreciate small moments. Perhaps they showed you it’s okay to ask for help. Naming what you’ve learned from them honors their influence on your life. “You taught me that vulnerability isn’t weakness” or “You showed me how to laugh at myself” reveals how they’ve shaped you. This isn’t about putting them on a pedestal—it’s about recognizing their impact.
16. End Strong
Your closing lines need punch. This is what people will remember. Consider ending with a callback to your opening story, a powerful promise, or a simple declaration. “I choose you today and every day after” lands well. So does “Let’s do this.” Your ending should feel like a door closing on one chapter and opening on another. Make it count. Practice your final sentence until it feels natural and confident.
17. Write Them by Hand First
There’s something about putting pen to paper that slows your brain down in a good way. You think differently when you’re writing by hand versus typing. You’re less likely to delete and second-guess every phrase. The physical act of writing can also make the words feel more personal and intentional. You can always type them up later for practice and backup, but start analog. Let yourself cross things out, add notes in margins, and see your thought process on paper.
18. Decide Whether You’ll Memorize or Read
Both options work, but they require different preparation. Memorizing lets you maintain eye contact and feels incredibly intimate, but it’s risky if your mind goes blank. Reading from a card feels safer but can create a barrier. There’s also a middle path: memorize the core structure but keep notes as backup. Whatever you choose, commit to it early so you can practice accordingly. If you’re reading, practice looking up frequently so you’re not just staring at paper.
19. Set Aside the Comparison Game
Your best friend’s vows went viral on social media. Your sister’s were featured on a wedding blog. So what? Your vows don’t need to compete with anyone else’s. They need to fit your relationship and your comfort level. Some of the most moving vows are quiet and simple. Some are elaborate and poetic. Neither is better. Comparison will only psych you out and make you lose your authentic voice. Focus on what matters to you and your partner, not what would look good in a highlight reel.
20. Give Yourself Permission to Cry
You might lose it halfway through. Your voice might crack. You might need to pause and breathe. That’s completely okay. Actually, it’s better than okay—it’s human. Your guests aren’t expecting a flawless performance. They’re there to witness two people who love each other making promises. Emotion makes vows real. If you’re worried about full-on sobbing, practice some breathing techniques and keep tissues handy. But don’t try to suppress genuine feelings. That’s the whole point of this moment.
Wrapping Up
Writing vows can feel overwhelming, but here’s the truth: your partner already knows you love them. These vows are simply your chance to say how and why in front of the people who matter most. They don’t need to be poetry. They need to be honest.
Start writing sooner than you think you should. Give yourself time to revise, practice, and let the words settle. And remember that your vows are just the beginning of a much longer conversation—one you’ll be having for the rest of your lives together.